vaporub's Xanga

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Thu, 28 Jul 2005 06:06:18 GMT

I have this theory.

Since i started working, everyday/ night i come to work, I drink a Large Tim Hortons Coffee, double double... (well, it started off as a large tea, then progressed to a medium coffee, and now it has become a standard large coffee... but such is the nature of my job...) Anyhow, on with my story, despite my obvious fondess for timmy's, last september i discovered starbucks, and decided that starbucks coffee is just that much better than tims. (and some of you might dispute it, but its true, at least it is for me). To me, having starbucks is like a treat, because i can't always afford their coffee. (A medium for $1.71, vs. a Large at tims for $1.40...that extra 31 cents and 30mls of coffee adds up, you know?) but, an addiction is an addiction and starbucks is my vice.. my point though, is not to compare the two, instead, its to tell you how choosing one brand versus the other has an impact on my day.

The way that i would decide on whether it would be a starbucks day or a timmy's day would depend on how crappy i was feeling. if i felt reallly bad and tired, i'd go for starbucks.. but if i felt like i could make it through the day/night with a decent shot of caffeine, i'd choose timmy's....

I noticed it in February. On the nights/days that i would start my shift with starbucks... the unit would go wild, or my patient would go wild (meaning become unstable)...for example, I would have a really busy shift, bugging the doctors all the time to give me orders to either bring down a patients high blood pressure, or to give the patient more sedation cause he/she is agitated and climbing out of bed... or it would be a night shift (with minimal support and one doctor on), and i'd be admitting a new patient that requires a lot of energy and emergency tests... or the entire unit would go crazy with a lot of new (really sick admissions).... which is fine, after all, i'm in an ICU.. that's expected... its just that once in awhile it seems like nothing you do for the patient makes it better...especially when its like you don't have enough hands to do it all.... and when you have a patient going nuts cause nothing works, its a little bit frustrating. The thing is, i never thought anything of it, until one day as i was walking home from work and replaying the night/day in my mind, i could see myself taking a swig of cold starbucks coffee, as i rushed between tasks, or as i stopped to catch up on charting. And that my friends, is when it occurred to me that maybe starbucks was the culprit... so i tested the theory.

i didn't have starbucks for a few days... then about a week after my epiphany, i chose to start the night off with a nice cup of starbucks (after all, i do like it better). i also told my housemate what i thought, so that at the end of our shift, someone else could evaluate my theory as well.

Lo and behold, both of us had a chaotic shift that day. as we were walking home, dragging our feet and gripping about work, i turned to her and i said, "you realize, it really is the starbucks you know?" ... and she said, "YES! its true! you're right!" and we both decided that it was a bad idea for me to ever start a shift with starbucks again... and that i should reserve starbucks for days off.

That conversation was had at the beginning of march. It is now the end of July.

Tonight my friends... I thought to myself, its been a few months... let's rock the boat a bit and start off my first of two nights with some much needed java from starbucks. My housemate is working with me tonight as well... before we left the house, i told her i wanted starbucks... she raised her brows and me and said, "are you sure?" i said, "well, its been awhile and we've had some quiet nights, let's make it interesting. besides, maybe it'll be okay, then i can start drinking starbucks before work again."....

To make this incredibly long story shorter... let's just say that i am eating my words tonight and wishing i had chosen tim's instead... because as it stands, its been a bit of a hectic night.. because of various factors.. but mostly because my patient is nuts and at the rate he's going... he's gonna end up giving himself an M.I... for those of you in the healthcare profession.. just to give you an idea of what i'm dealing with... i have been giving this man PRN valium 10mg I.V. push for agitation... and the docs, they didn't even give me a max dose... its free for all until his pressure (which sat at 210/110 for an hour, as i was pushing him these meds)... in total, this man gets a standing order of 120mg valium q4h, on top of his PRN dose... needless to say, that's a ridiculous amount... and yet he's still agitated.

so to end my story, if you've read through it all... once again, my theory is correct, and once more, i have proved it necessary to lay off starbucks every time i'm scheduled to work.

thank you for listening. good night.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Sat, 23 Jul 2005 00:52:23 GMT

HP6 was great. I won't say more because i don't want to spoil it for those of you who haven't read it yet. but it was great.

NYC in a week. I can't wait... Costa Rica was amazing too. I guess i should get phil to post pics online... it was an incredible experience and i think everyone should go.... in short, it was like watching the discovery channel live for 2 whole weeks. :) it was dreadful to have to come home... but we made it back, and in a week i'll be off to visit ting with dailo...

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Thu, 19 May 2005 15:06:55 GMT

count down to costa rica: 1 week.

I'm beyond excited... after this shift, i've got two more then its adios canada, hola costa rica. i know, i'm a lucky kid.

i've been thinking. for the past six months, I've said to people who ask me, that the reason i don't want to spend my vacation volunteering and doing 'good' in a foreign country is because my job takes it all out of me... what i do on as a profession, drains me... and so the vacation time I have is "my time"... my time to chill out, relax and enjoy. I know that it sounds selfish, but I really did believe that a vacation needs to be a vacation. I was afraid that if i were to go and volunteer, coming back I wouldn't be in top form to work... and being so new to everything, it would make it that much more difficult to survive the anarachy that is work.

But i'm over myself now... next year... anyone up for going to south africa?

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Sun, 01 May 2005 05:49:00 GMT

I watched Frank Miller's Sin City yesterday. it was a good movie, and i liked it...except it was probably one of the most graphic, and ridiculously violent movies i've seen in a long time.... and to be honest, even though its just a movie, and i know its not 'reality' or what not, it still made me think about how much media has really come to justify crude violence... i've never been one to say that videogames and movies, and 'rap music' are the cause of the chaos and crime we see in our communites... but after watching sin city, i realized how desensitized i've become to seeing people get shot up or chopped up or having their throats slit in movies, tv shows etc... the thing is, a part of me felt horrible when i saw how crude some of the scenes were, but another part of me thought it wasn't 'so bad'...and when i caught myself thinking that, i couldn't believe it.... granted, its just a movie... but when i think of the world in which we live now... it bothers me that i can justify violence, even if it is in a movie... maybe it bugs me so much because i feel like at least once every two weeks, someone is getting shot in this city... its disheartening and depressing...and who knows who/what to blame for it all...maybe it is the influence of tarantino/50 cent... or maybe its just end times... whatever the reason, it needs to stop... we all need to learn to get along ... i propose that everyone should sit down and watch episodes of sesame street, dora the explorer, and arthur to relearn simple moral concepts and the importance of generating good karma...don't you think that puppets and cartoons can change and save the world?... i do...

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Wed, 27 Apr 2005 05:14:36 GMT

2 months since my last entry... i'm less miserable.. (at least i am today)

I'm at work and on break (yet again)...its getting a bit better, we're running at full tilt, all 24 beds are open, and the unit is crazy busy.... but good crazy cause that's what we're here for...and that's how i'm going to learn... when i stop to think about what it is that i do, and see at work, i marvel at how many machines and drugs we have to save lives.... Docs and nurses and respiratory therapists (RTs) spewing numbers at each other, explaining them to patient families, calculating figures to optimize care... most of the time we're filtering incessant noise from monitors and ventilators to concentrate on the task at hand..discerning when its a false alarm, and when to be truly concerned... trying to figure out what to anticipate if, God forbid, the worse should happen.... understanding drugs... when to use what, how to mix it, and if it runs as mcg/kg/min... or mcg/min... or mg/hr... troubleshooting IV lines....attempting to start IVs.. this job takes multitasking to the next level...I never thought I'd be an ICU nurse...i've had my moments when i've wanted to quit.. and moments when the adrenaline rush takes over and all i can think about is how we're best going to try and save the life of a person at the brink of death... its at once fascinating, fearsome and fulfilling... sometimes, because of everything that happens in a day, i find that i forget about the fulfilling part...especially in the ICU where we're busy treating numbers and not always the patient, as we rarely have patients who can talk back to us given the tube we have down their throats to help them breathe...but all that aside, I can say that I've really learned the value of life and death... and believe it or not, sometimes death is more comforting than life itself... I say that as someone who has now seen undue suffering of patients who would benefit more from palliative care rather than intensive care... but thats another story for another day... being at work on a good day makes me want to talk about it... but when i'm not at work... i can't always bring myself to tell people what its like...besides, these days there are enough tv shows out there to tell it for me... :) i like gray's anatomy... at least i do for now...and i've come to have much respect for residents...(just not the cocky bastards...and i hate to say it, but i've encountered a good number of those...) i'm by no means an expert in healthcare...i don't think i ever will be...but since i've graduated from nursing school, i feel like i've learned a hellava lot more than i ever did in school....but that's not a surprise...afterall, nothing can really trump life experiences... okay, this has gotten long.. and i feel like doogie howser at the end of every episode... so i'll stop... i hope everyone survived exams (if you've got them)..the summer will be upon us soon which means its almost time to break out the flipflops and scandalous tops...if you haven't already ..

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Wed, 23 Feb 2005 17:14:42 GMT

I haven't done this in awhile. I'm at work, and i'm miserable. don't worry, i'm not neglecting my patient, i'm on break.... but let's not talk about work, cause that just gets me hypertensive and agitated... so instead, let's talk about having days off... i look forward to my days off as if i've never had a day off before... when i have the weekend off, its even better because that's when i get to enjoy the world like everyone else does. i need a vacation. i'm not myself. or maybe i've always been miserable... have i? ... maybe. you know, its the year of the rooster. a couple years back, someone told me that i would be having a bad year, since i am a rooster. he told me that i would be getting into a lot of accidents and to be careful with my job... i never asked him for his opinion, he told me this out of goodwill. Frickin' guy. now i walk around with a scowl on my face and a storm cloud looming over me...which of course makes me more miserable regardless of how much i don't believe in horoscope junk, its like i've been cursed. okay, really, i need a vacation. i just started under a year ago, and already i'm dying for a vacation...and i can't stop complaining.. that's all i do...

that's it. i need a paradigm shift... i need to focus on happy things in life... like that fact that i'm employed despite cutbacks... that i'm relatively healthy, that i have friends who love me... (you do, don't you?) and that in a few years time, i'm planning on marrying rich and never working again. (that's gotta be the answer) there. i feel much better now. :)

Sunday, October 24, 2004

Sun, 24 Oct 2004 04:55:16 GMT

warning: random thoughts ahead...

... I can't believe we're approaching the end of october... i don't know what happened to the summer, let alone september or october... adjusting to 'work life' is odd. i don't see my friends, i don't talk to people... i'm grumpier, and constantly worried that one day i'm gonna screw up royally... (if i haven't already done so...). i miss hanging out with my girls from queen's... i miss going to church regularly...i miss being online... i'm so detached from everyone and everything...i need balance... a part of me knows that i need to bone up, suck it up and move on, but i feel like i haven't been able to grasp anything yet... i feel like i'm being pushed by an invisible force i've never known before...i'm so far from my ideals... but so comfortable in my being... i'm grateful for everything i have, i have no reason to complain... but i don't know what i'm looking for anymore...so comes that proverbial question, "is this the rest of my life?" my housemate liz gave me some advice, she said.. 'go and save some lives, generate good karma... when in doubt refer to the physician and lay blame on the nurse next to you'.... such words of wisdom...(except maybe for the latter part) she's right though...saving lives is supposed to be a good thing... but then why am i so disenchanted? I enjoy my profession... i'm not yet burnt out... i love what i'm learning... but still... i'm not satisfied. maybe i've become a victim to what was once my greatest fear...settling. i've justified my actions by changing my vision... and it sucks because i know it... thing is, its not that i hate my life... i love my life. i couldn't ask for more, i know that i'm truly blessed.... its just sometimes you stop and wonder if one day you'll do what you once believe you were destined to do....or if you too, will be just another kid who sells out, burns out, and lives vicariously through the celebrity on TV who has the both the time and money to 'make a difference' in this world.... such a sad thought...

Friday, October 08, 2004

Fri, 08 Oct 2004 19:46:58 GMT

.... okay janice. .. did you know that when you sneeze, the reason you don't die from the increased pressure in your head, is because your cerebralspinal fluid moves out of the way to accomodate for it.

how's that for useful information?

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Wed, 08 Sep 2004 20:17:28 GMT

Congrats Kittie and Gary!

After nine years of dating, and two years of being engaged, they're finally hitched!

... and everyone else hinted that we would be next. the garter was thrown, aimed straight towards phil... thank goodness kenny caught it instead. the bouquet was tossed aimed straight towards me... thank goodness kittie's younger sister caught it instead.

i'm in no rush, despite popular belief...

....montreal this weekend. :) paarrrtaaay...

Saturday, August 14, 2004

Sat, 14 Aug 2004 05:21:30 GMT

yay! weekend off!

yaaay!

.... i'm craving dimsum. its 2 am in the morning, and i want dimsum. this is what happens when you work nights. you get cravings for food in the early hours of the morning... cause eating now is like having an early dinner... and 8am in the morning is bed time....its kinda weird going to bed when the sun rises...i need to invest in an eye mask and some ear plugs... its hard sleeping with the sun in your eyes... and the other day i could hear my neighbours having sex. dammit. it was 12 noon. don't people work?!

its not their fault. we just have thin walls... and i'm just grumpy after work.

but at least i have this weekend off... . that's enough to make me happy.